Love & Sex (In & Out) of SL

I've been meaning to write a post for days... In fact I have one half done that has been sitting in my drafts folder for at least a week now. I've just been trying not to think about certain things, so I've been obsessing over things I can do that don't have to involve thinking about what I'm trying to avoid thinking of. But I'm throwing that out the window to make a post, because I have been thinking about it.

Well Since London, Katrina, & Sophosyne spend so much time talking about it and it's been on my mind lately for RL reasons... I decided to post my own take on Love & Sex (in and out of SL).

I'm different from those three in that I have trouble loving people... People fall into three categories with me: general public, friends, loves.

General Public are the teeming masses (some of which probably read this blog! ^_^ ) which are anyone I don't really know or only know a bit. I'm not likely to IM you in world and under the big blue sky I will probably only deal with you if you live nearby or work somewhere that I visit regularly... And unfortunately I will probably forever forget your name... I'm horrible with names...

Friends are people I care about. Alot of which I may not even see anymore for one reason or another, but they are still important to me. Unfortunately the ones I haven't seen in years I remember, but can't remember their names all the time ;.; I told you I have a bad memory for names... Those I do see regularly don't have to worry... If I remember your name, then your a friend... I'll play (sexually at times) with friends and try to be there for them, but I would say I'm not really in love with them... There are limits to how close I'll get or even want to get... This can at times annoy those who are polyamorous around me... But it's just the way I am... Plenty of people in SL fall into this category and if I play with you sexually in SL and your not paying me for it... Your probably in this list... ;)

Loves.... Well their have only ever been two loves in my nigh thirty RL years... Both I hold dear to me and both have frustrated me to know end.... The first I couldn't take being around anymore, because she did not feel the same way about me and seeing her with others made me happy and tore me up all at the same time... So I had to walk away... I miss her alot though and I wish she'd kept in touch even if just by email... The other love of my life is the one currently driving me crazy... I waited almost six years for a chance to be with her....

Those I have loved are true loves... absolute loves... I'd die for them without thinking about it. I have and probably will give them every cent I have if they need it, no matter if I do to. And the love is unconditional. But I'm selfish... Those I love I want to love me, and only me... At least in the romantic & lustful way.

When I think about it, I see that I try to feel loved by being with my friends... But it's always a sort of filler for my desire to be loved by those few people I have loved... I'm not sure if that's good or bad... If that means I use others who I don't really love by possibly leading them on and suggesting they mean more to me then they do... But it is what it is and I don't think I could just stop doing that. Much like most people I don't want to be lonely... And I don't want to start humping trees because my sex drive is all crazy at times... I'd really hate to see what happens if I can't at least get a little online every week or so...

Which leads me into this: For me sex is something I do to feel loved... Usually at least as I have acted as an escort in SL (though few people are hiring me, visit Virgins & Vixens and give me some work!), which is very much not usually about feeling loved... It's more desiring pretty things and compensation for my time... But even then... I think I'd turn down some people, in fact I basically have before... I don't want 'sexual partners' that just sit there and go 'oohhh...', If ya can't turn me on then I'm not gonna get you off... My friends I don't worry so much about... Most are capable of at least keeping up... In fact my friends that get a chance to be with me sexually are the ones who I feel can keep up in a sexual experience... The same is true in RL as in SL... I don't take a friend as a brief sexual experience if I think they are boring... Of course if you have me as an RL friend, then I thought you were worth being around anyways... I however don't tend to sleep with my friends RL to often, in fact the only times I have is when I've 'dated' friends... Which is usually for no more than a month... Then I get bored and usually the other person gets hurt... I don't mean it to happen... I do care for them, but without that deep love I get bored of the feelings I get from someone I don't love to... That sounds so wrong, but it's the case... Online I can go months or years... One woman I meet online (back in my MUX days pre-3D graphics) and I considered her my best friend for years. We would often have virtual sex... Even via IM back when I used ICQ (which was one of the first IM clients before everyone wanted to create one). Online I seem to be able to be friends and have virtual sex with them and not cause issues... Unless the other person gets to greedy... Which is a whole different topic...

But I think this explains my take on love and sex and I feel like I've been talking for hours (probably because I've spent nearly two hours typing this. So I love it at this for now.