I've been meaning to write a post for days... In fact I have one half done that has been sitting in my drafts folder for at least a week now. I've just been trying not to think about certain things, so I've been obsessing over things I can do that don't have to involve thinking about what I'm trying to avoid thinking of. But I'm throwing that out the window to make a post, because I have been thinking about it.
Well Since London, Katrina, & Sophosyne spend so much time talking about it and it's been on my mind lately for RL reasons... I decided to post my own take on Love & Sex (in and out of SL).
I'm different from those three in that I have trouble loving people... People fall into three categories with me: general public, friends, loves.
General Public are the teeming masses (some of which probably read this blog! ^_^ ) which are anyone I don't really know or only know a bit. I'm not likely to IM you in world and under the big blue sky I will probably only deal with you if you live nearby or work somewhere that I visit regularly... And unfortunately I will probably forever forget your name... I'm horrible with names...
Friends are people I care about. Alot of which I may not even see anymore for one reason or another, but they are still important to me. Unfortunately the ones I haven't seen in years I remember, but can't remember their names all the time ;.; I told you I have a bad memory for names... Those I do see regularly don't have to worry... If I remember your name, then your a friend... I'll play (sexually at times) with friends and try to be there for them, but I would say I'm not really in love with them... There are limits to how close I'll get or even want to get... This can at times annoy those who are polyamorous around me... But it's just the way I am... Plenty of people in SL fall into this category and if I play with you sexually in SL and your not paying me for it... Your probably in this list... ;)
Loves.... Well their have only ever been two loves in my nigh thirty RL years... Both I hold dear to me and both have frustrated me to know end.... The first I couldn't take being around anymore, because she did not feel the same way about me and seeing her with others made me happy and tore me up all at the same time... So I had to walk away... I miss her alot though and I wish she'd kept in touch even if just by email... The other love of my life is the one currently driving me crazy... I waited almost six years for a chance to be with her....
Those I have loved are true loves... absolute loves... I'd die for them without thinking about it. I have and probably will give them every cent I have if they need it, no matter if I do to. And the love is unconditional. But I'm selfish... Those I love I want to love me, and only me... At least in the romantic & lustful way.
When I think about it, I see that I try to feel loved by being with my friends... But it's always a sort of filler for my desire to be loved by those few people I have loved... I'm not sure if that's good or bad... If that means I use others who I don't really love by possibly leading them on and suggesting they mean more to me then they do... But it is what it is and I don't think I could just stop doing that. Much like most people I don't want to be lonely... And I don't want to start humping trees because my sex drive is all crazy at times... I'd really hate to see what happens if I can't at least get a little online every week or so...
Which leads me into this: For me sex is something I do to feel loved... Usually at least as I have acted as an escort in SL (though few people are hiring me, visit Virgins & Vixens and give me some work!), which is very much not usually about feeling loved... It's more desiring pretty things and compensation for my time... But even then... I think I'd turn down some people, in fact I basically have before... I don't want 'sexual partners' that just sit there and go 'oohhh...', If ya can't turn me on then I'm not gonna get you off... My friends I don't worry so much about... Most are capable of at least keeping up... In fact my friends that get a chance to be with me sexually are the ones who I feel can keep up in a sexual experience... The same is true in RL as in SL... I don't take a friend as a brief sexual experience if I think they are boring... Of course if you have me as an RL friend, then I thought you were worth being around anyways... I however don't tend to sleep with my friends RL to often, in fact the only times I have is when I've 'dated' friends... Which is usually for no more than a month... Then I get bored and usually the other person gets hurt... I don't mean it to happen... I do care for them, but without that deep love I get bored of the feelings I get from someone I don't love to... That sounds so wrong, but it's the case... Online I can go months or years... One woman I meet online (back in my MUX days pre-3D graphics) and I considered her my best friend for years. We would often have virtual sex... Even via IM back when I used ICQ (which was one of the first IM clients before everyone wanted to create one). Online I seem to be able to be friends and have virtual sex with them and not cause issues... Unless the other person gets to greedy... Which is a whole different topic...
But I think this explains my take on love and sex and I feel like I've been talking for hours (probably because I've spent nearly two hours typing this. So I love it at this for now.
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6 comments:
wow...it's like i just read myself. so much of what you said i feel the same way...i really cant say anything more, you just said everything i wish i could explain to people who dont understand the way i live my love life.
I've had only one RL lover in all my almost 40 years of life, and doubt there will be somebody else ever. So, my actitude about the "RL sexually active" has been always being biased; a mix of envy and rejection. Funny for somebody so active at SL.
Even more, overwhelmed by the novelty of my poly relations, that started little more than a month ago, I've tended to ignore there are other ways of live at SL that show an involvement as deep as poly, it not more.
Now, reading you, I understand that I've been shallow... again! Thanks for teaching me, theshadow :-)
Thanks Tiana, I just felt a need to explain how I am after reading London and the others explain how they are... And a tiny comment so wasn't really working... I also wanted to explain this to some of my friends in SL, who I think I hurt unintentionally because I'm not poly as well... And not likely to ever be...
London... Trust me my 'Rl Sexual Activity' has always been a fairly small list and unfortunately for me though finding someone special in RL has never been easy for me. I could so write a book about RL rejection...
And I don't think your shallow London, we are just different... How does the quote go...? "Their are more things between heaven and hell than we can understand" Or something like that..? Some people will be like me, some like you... and frankly if we can understand each other than maybe we can all be happy...
"Which leads me into this: For me sex is something I do to feel loved..."
It's funny.. I am kinda like that too. I use sex as a way to show my own emotions also, not just feel loved myself. However, those that I do let myself be with, are those that I do love.. I rarely have a little fling. I rarely have sex with someone I don't know. And when I do, it's someone I want to know, someone I wish to know as well as I can know.
I am picky, too. I try not to be with those (like you said) that just go oooohhh every once in a while. There are a few that I am with that are like that.. but.. then again.. with them, it is not for me. I am there for them.. I give as much as I can to make them as happy as I can. They are rare, but.. it does happen.
I couldn't ever be an escort, with how much my emotions get into sex. They overpower me, when I'm with someone. And if it's not an overpowering feeling of love, I can't do it.
Past loves... I've had alot. Some have left me on good terms.. some not so good.. the problem? I still love each and every one of them.
I Love unconditionally. But I have one condition in -showing- that love. That they do not push me away.
.. Okay, I'm talking too much. Appologies, Shadow. ^^; Take care!
I don't try to have little flings, but emotionally I often end up having them because sexually and emotionally I have a need to be 'loved', but I don't love the other person so I limit that. To much and they start feeling I do love them, when I care for them... But it's not really love per se...
I've been in situations before that aren't just about love... Or at least have more to do with a feeling of desire or appreciation than love... It's what makes it possible to be an escort, though I've been neglecting my SL job for awhile now... To much stress RL for me to enjoy the attention...
Both of my loves have tried pushing me away... But I try very hard not to let them... After all I love them forever and always... So Even if the go away it just hurts me... And maybe them to...
And it's ok... you can rant on my blog anytime... ;)
Sigh... I've been felling a bit bad about not comenting, like a spy.
I feel a bit lost about what to say to you, theshadow... I think you love, even if you don't consider it that way. It doesn't always to be a passionate, life changing relation. Both LOVE and love exists, and I usually like more the second; it is more durable and cuddly.
I don't share Kat's unconditional heart, too; I am one of the "pushers", always trying to simplify my life, to trim my friend list. I do even give little prods to the ones I love, keeping clusters of personal space; an interesting point of view for my next post :-p.
But yes, when I give my heart I need something extreme to take it back. It has happened twice to me at SL, and there is a third that still has it, even if we aren't going to see each other anymore. And that hurts, of course.
Maybe you are truly catlike, asking for cuddles when you want them, and clawing a bit when you are tired, or you think they are going too far away.
There isn't anything bad in keeping your distance (I swear I whould like to be able to do it), but maybe it makes you think you don't love? If Kat has teached me something, is that there are many kids of love; mine pales compared to hers, but it is still love. Probably you do love without knowing.
And yes, yes, you teached me a lot of grammatics, too, Kat :-p
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